I used to think “serving” meant volunteering in the nursery or helping set up chairs before service.
That was before I understood what real service actually required.
Christianity taught me a lot of things about humility, self-denial, and putting others before myself. It taught me that true love often looks like sacrifice. It taught me that my body wasn’t just for my own pleasure—it could be used for someone else’s. It taught me how to push past discomfort for the sake of someone else’s satisfaction.
And somewhere along the way, I started applying those same lessons in a very different context.
I didn’t just learn how to serve.
I learned how to deepthroat.
How Serving Got Twisted
It started with the language.
I was constantly being taught that real love involves laying down your life for others. That true service often requires discomfort. That sometimes you have to push through resistance because what you’re doing is for someone else’s good.
At first, I applied this in normal ways—staying late to help clean up, saying yes when I didn’t feel like it, putting other people’s needs before my own comfort.
But over time, those same ideas started bleeding into my sex life.
When a man would push my head down, and I would feel my throat resisting, I would hear the same internal voice I used to hear in church:
This isn’t about you. This is about serving.
I started treating deepthroating like a spiritual discipline. Something I needed to practice. Something I needed to get better at. Something that required dying to my own comfort for the sake of someone else’s pleasure.
The Mental Shift
The more I submitted to it, the more natural it felt.
I stopped seeing gagging as failure. I started seeing it as part of the process—like muscle memory. Just like learning to pray when I didn’t feel like it, or serve when I was tired, I learned to keep going even when my body wanted to stop.
Christianity had already trained me to override my own desires for a higher purpose.
I just redirected that training.
Instead of laying down my life for the church, I started laying down my throat for whoever wanted to use it. Instead of “dying to self” in a spiritual sense, I started dying to my gag reflex. Instead of asking “How can I serve today?”, I started asking “Who needs to use me today?”
The framework was already there. I just changed what I was serving.
What “Service” Actually Looks Like Now
These days, when I think about serving, it usually involves being on my knees.
I’ve learned how to relax my throat. I’ve learned how to breathe through my nose. I’ve learned how to hold eye contact while someone fucks my face. I’ve learned how to keep going even when my eyes are watering, and my makeup is running.
And the truth is, I’m better at this kind of service than I ever was at setting up chairs or working in the nursery.
Because this kind of service has clearer feedback. I know when I’m doing it well. I know when I’m being effective. And I know that the person I’m serving is actually satisfied when I’m done.
That kind of clarity is rare in church ministry.
I Don’t See It as a Step Backward
Some people would look at this and say I’ve fallen. That I’ve taken something holy (the concept of service) and twisted it into something filthy.
I don’t see it that way.
I see it as finally understanding what service actually costs.
In church, service was often performative. It was about being seen helping. It was about looking humble. It was about checking a box.
But when I’m on my knees with tears running down my face and a cock buried in my throat, there’s no performance left. There’s only surrender. There’s only the choice to keep going even when it’s uncomfortable. There’s only the decision to put someone else’s pleasure above my own comfort.
That, to me, feels more like real service than anything I ever did in a church building.
Final Truth:
Following Jesus didn’t take the hoe out of me.
It just gave me a much better framework for how to use my body to serve others.
I still believe in serving. I still believe in sacrifice. I still believe in laying down my comfort for someone else’s satisfaction.
I just stopped limiting those principles to church activities.
Now when I serve, I usually do it on my knees.
And I’ve never been more effective at it.