I had every intention of going.
I really did.
I had my Bible, my notebook, and even wrote down a few questions I wanted to ask during discussion time. I told myself I was going to be present, engaged, and spiritually focused. I was going to be a good Christian girl that night.
But then he texted me.
And instead of replying with “Sorry, I have Bible study tonight,” I found myself typing:
Where do you want me?
Twenty minutes later, I was on my knees in the backseat of his car with my throat stretched around his cock instead of sitting in a circle talking about the book of James.
Here’s why I don’t regret it.
1. Bible Study Felt Like Performance. His Cock Felt Real.
At Bible study, I would’ve been performing. I would’ve been nodding at the right times, saying the right spiritual-sounding things, and pretending I was deeply moved by whatever passage we were studying.
On my knees with his hand in my hair and his cock hitting the back of my throat, there was no performance left in me.
I wasn’t trying to sound holy. I wasn’t trying to sound smart. I was just trying to breathe while he used my mouth. It was raw, simple, and completely honest. For once, I wasn’t playing the role of the good Christian girl. I was just a girl getting her throat fucked.
2. I Felt More “Present” With His Dick Than I Ever Do in Church
This is the part that bothers me the most when I think about it.
During Bible study, my mind wanders. I think about what I’m going to eat later. I think about who’s texting me. I think about how long the discussion is going to last. I’m physically there, but I’m rarely present.
When I have a cock in my mouth, I’m fully present.
I’m focused on the weight on my tongue. I’m focused on relaxing my throat. I’m focused on the sounds he’s making and the way his grip tightens in my hair. There is no mental space left for anything else. It’s demanding in a way that scripture reading rarely is.
For those few minutes, nothing else existed except his pleasure and my submission.
3. I Was Tired of Pretending I Wanted to Be There
I’ve been going to Bible study for years. Most of the time, I go because I feel like I should. Because good Christian girls go to Bible study. Because it looks good. Because it makes me feel like I’m doing something right with my life.
That night, I was honest with myself.
I didn’t want to sit in someone’s living room and talk about spiritual disciplines. I wanted to be used. I wanted to feel a man’s hands controlling my head while he fucked my throat. I wanted to feel dirty and wanted at the same time.
So I chose what I actually wanted instead of what I was supposed to want.
4. The Guilt Made It Better
I won’t lie—I felt guilty afterward.
I thought about the people who were probably wondering where I was. I thought about the text I should’ve sent saying I couldn’t make it. I thought about how I was supposed to be growing in my faith, not getting my makeup ruined in a parking lot.
But the guilt didn’t make me want to stop.
It made me want to do it again.
There’s something addictive about choosing your own depravity over your religious obligations. It feels like crossing a line you can’t uncross. And once you’ve crossed it, the guilt stops being a deterrent and starts becoming part of the appeal.
5. I’m Starting to Accept That This Is Who I Am Right Now
I used to believe that if I just tried harder, I would eventually become the kind of girl who genuinely prefers Bible study over getting her throat used.
I don’t believe that anymore.
Right now, I am the kind of girl who will cancel spiritual commitments to go get face-fucked in a car. I am the kind of girl who feels more alive with a cock in her throat than she does while reading scripture. And pretending otherwise was starting to feel more exhausting than the sin itself.
So I stopped pretending.
Final Truth:
I still go to Bible study sometimes.
But I no longer lie to myself about where I’d rather be.
On the nights when the choice is between sitting in a circle talking about Jesus and getting on my knees to have my throat pounded until I can’t speak properly afterward…
I’m going to choose the dick.
Every single time.
And I’ve stopped feeling the need to apologize for it.